Contemplative

Sometimes, I try to hard with friends. I know I do. I know I don't like change, and the more things change, the more I want to stay the same. Forever. The way they always have.

Just because change is inevitable, doesn't mean that I have to like it. I don't.

I try not to give up on people, but at the same time, I feel like I am doing the work with contacting them--and for once, I want to be the one contacted.

Maybe I'll just relax. Sit back and relax. And see what happens. What comes out of it. Or maybe if we lose touch, it won't be because I didn't try.

We'll see what happens.

And, I should accept it. I can't force people to hang out. Or call. Or well...whatever....sometimes I just need to take a step back, and not try so hard. Maybe, I should just...

Let go.

Worries

Why is it every time that I worry about something, I get an upset stomach? Without fail....

Every single time!

Reading People's Minds...

Now,

Its funny--I have been thinking about this today. Sometimes, looking into people's eyes makes me so uncomfortable. I was thinking how much easier it is to e-mail someone, or, I guess talk to them on the phone--but I have a hard time looking at someone's eyes.

And, truthfully, it is not because I am trying to be rude or anything-just the opposite. Sometimes, I can see so much. No, I can't read minds. Especially if someone's thoughts are about me--usually I'll just deny those ideas until the cows come home. But I can sense people's emotions really well. And it scares me sometimes. Sometimes, I'd rather be in the realm of "not knowing"

Yah, I am just re-reading what I am writing--and it makes absolutely no sense.

You see, to put it simply, I close myself off--I tell people what they want to know, on a need to know basis. Some of my good friends still are surprised by the things that they don't know. (And many times--the reason that they know now is because Rich slipped.) I remember one conversation with him--we were talking about how I am in nature, kinder then he is, but less trustworthy--which you need to think about it for it to make logistical sense.

He on the other hand, may not be as kind, but he trusts more then I do. I know, I have trust issues--I have no clue when they started or how they came about. I have blamed the summers before, so I will stick with that answer. I just don't like talking about myself on a deep level. I can do superficial things with ease--but those pointed questions that get asked--I am a master at evading them.

(Sometimes...I'll sidetrack the conversation until you completely forgot the original conversation was).

Back to the eyes though. I think sometimes when I look people in the eyes, I am afraid of what I will see. Of what they will let me see. And then I start worrying. And then I lose sleep. And my stomach gets upset. So, sometimes to me, it is easier "not knowing"--because even though I do know the answers (or questions!) I don't want to admit them--so I never have proof that I was right.

Being right scares me.

Sugar High

Well...I am finally coming down from my sugar high.

It is about time.

And I seriously didn't mean for it to happnen. But sometimes when you don't mean for things to happen, well they just happen anyway.

I started my day off with coffee I made. Good coffee. Stronger then usual. I added my normal cream and sugar and headed off to work.

As soon as I walked in to work, I found out another teacher purchased Dunkin Donuts coffee for the teachers. Well....I couldn't resist. (And usually, I am one cup of coffee person) So, I started on my second cup. (with cream and sugar naturally)

I also forgot that today was the big cupcake sale at work for the scholarship fund. All the 5th graders brought in (I believe 2 dozen each)...so there was a whole lot of cupcakes. They were selling them to the students, and the smell of sugar was intoxicating.

I bought two. And then I discovered chocolate covered pretzels and I couldn't resist--so I bought 4. They were covered with m&m's as well.

So...by the time I got home from work, I just crashed. Literally. I was twitchy all day long and bouncing around the library like a freakin' ping pong ball...

And then I passed out for an hour on the couch.

I haven't had a sugar rush like that in years--especially because normally I don't eat that much sugar during the day.

I will sleep well tonight.

Ack! Storage

So...I have a minor storage issue problem. Actually, now thinking about it--it may be more of a major storage issue. Our house is a condo, which is actually similar in size to a house. The layout is there are three "usable" floors. The first floor is the garage and a finished basement. The second floor is the kitchen, living room, dining room, and bathroom. The third floor are three bedrooms and two bathrooms, plus washer/dryer.

So...techinically, considering there are only 2 of us, there should be plenty of room. And there is! Rich has laid claim to the basement--which he turned into a really nice area. We have a couch down there, darts, tv, a bar, and all of things. It is a comfortable place, but I actually feel weird being in the basement without Rich. I took the smaller guest room as my room. I was being nice. I figured if we ever decided to have a child, then they should have the bigger room--so I took the smaller one.

And it really ISN'T a small room--but because I am a librarian, and I go between two schools--all the books that I use for work, are ALSO in that room. And well, I try to contain my things to that room--again, if we have a child, I don't want to expand into two rooms--to shrink back into one. The other bigger room does have a sewing table, and a book case, and some other things. But since I am in the two schools, I don't want to leave my books at one school. So, they stay at home. If I was in one school, than all the bookshelves would be freed.

So--I have my extensive AG and book collection in one room--and it is driving me crazy! Problem is, there isn't much I could do that I haven't ALREADY done--and I really am trying to keep everything in one room.

I just needed to vent.