Tuesday, December 30, 2008

So, last night before I went to bed, I was thinking...well more being contemplative I guess.

I was thinking about a story my cousin told me a few days ago. She was in elem school, in third grade, and there was a boy in her class at that time. That hated any crayons that were broken (and...I so can relate! My parents house had a crayon draw of just crayons because I had to get a new box as soon as one of them got dull or broke. Anyway, I digress) So, this little boy hated broken crayons. One day my cousin looked over at him and he systematically was breaking every single one. When she asked him about it, his reply was "this way they are already broken, I don't have to worry about breaking them"

That conversation stayed in her mind for just about 20 years or so. I never met that boy, because she was in elementary school before I was born. So, I don't know his name. I don't know anything about him really. But yet, the story of the broken crayons relates to all aspects of life. Trust me. I was a broken crayon a few times. And I also have been the one to break crayons as well.

Sometimes people are just so scared of getting hurt, they need to hurt others before they feel better. They just couldn't handle it. I understand that. Many people do the same. I have probably done the same if I search my memories far back enough. It is just amazing how the fear of getting hurt is so powerful that people will do anything to avoid it. *thinks contemplatively* Hurt themselves by having a missed opportunity. Hurt others, because they just don't know, and are innocent to everything going on. And then sometimes even cause regret. And some people have a vicious cycle--they do it for years, and then find it hard to break.

I know...I know. Broken Crayons are a far stretch from the fear of getting hurt. But not really.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Saturday, November 29, 2008

My Nondenominational Dolls...

Well, it took me 3 weeks to do. But I have to say, it is finally...finally done. It took a lot of planning (and by planning I mean: collecting items, sketching how the room would look, who would be wearing what, and all the other little things that you will see in the pictures that follow)
I set my girls up into groups--some are lighting a Menorah, some are baking, some are ready to go sledding, some are decorating the Christmas Tree, and others are just well...relaxing...as you will see.
Oh, I have to let you know that finding doll sized accessories...is well...not the easiest thing in the world to do.

Klara with the dreidel:

Gena, Madeline, Lydia and Caroline lighting the Menorah:

Close up of Caroline lighting the Menorah:

Some various photos of Sophie and Kayleigh decorating the Christmas Tree

Picture above is Emma and Erin about to go sledding!

Kailey and Olivia are comfy cozy ready for the upcoming winter months

Hallie watching Annie ice-skate

Kit and Ruthie are baking away:

My historical dolls getting ready to celebrate various holidays
Kaya, Felicity, Elizabeth, Josefina, Kirsten, Addy, Samantha, Nellie, Molly, Emily and Julie

Pam Beesly and Kelsey baking:

Monday, November 24, 2008

Adventures in Ice-Skating

So yesterday, was the first time I went ice-skating this season. I decided that I needed to go. At least once. And I only like to really go when it is super cold out--for some reason, it just makes me feel...alive. So, Rich was coaching in the morning, and I got dropped off at the ice-rink and picked up there.
One of the nicest things about where I live is the ice-skating rink. I know it doesn't seem like much--but it is primarily an outdoor rink, so you feel like your outdoors even though it is screened in. The bad side is, it is only open from November to about March.
I pretty much self-taught myself to ice-skate. Well not really-if you count those lessons that I had when I was 4. I think it lasted oh about a month or so. And not because I was terrible, because I did as well as any other 4 year old would do on ice. But because the lessons ended, and I never got signed up again.
So my mom would take me some weekends. And then in middle school and high school, I went a lot. I think by senior year in high school; I went 2 or 3 times a week. I always wish that I did stick with ice-skating lessons--I am not terrible since I taught myself, I am not a wall hugger--and I don't really fall. Granted, I don't really know how to stop either. But at least I don't fall. Sometimes, it amazes me that I am able to ice-skate. Those that know me now, or have known me in my childhood...know that I have a tendency to lack...well...coordination. You got me. Sometimes, I amazed that I am able to walk from point A to point B. And if you have seen me walk, it is never in a straight line. Dancing is an abnomination. My attempts at gymnastics are pitiful. (considering, I still can't turn a cartwheel) Rollerblading is laughable. Rollerskating is hilarious (there was one time I flew over the guardrails) So, amazingly...ice-skating works for me.
I never actually go with anyone. Because sometimes, it is so much easier going by myself then spending the time, energy and effort convincing someone who clearly doesn't want to go, to go with me. I learned in middle school--it just isn't worth it. So, I declare ice-skating for the most part "me time" Time that I can just be myself. That I can collect all my thoughts. That I can relax. It is as theraputic as writing is or taking a bath. It just completely relaxes me.
And now that I teach-a lot of the kids that I teach have lessons there. So it becomes a pride thing--I can't fall, because I don't want to fall in front of my students. But I rarely fall to begin with. Yah...I am that good! Not really--but it is fun for me.
I remember in high school, I had so many ice-skating related dreams when I was sleeping. I wish I could go more than I do go.
But I am thankful that I am able to go as much as I am. Plus, I am putting my ice-skates to good use!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Getting motivation...

I don't know. Seriously, I have just been so exhausted recently. And it just royally, well...sucks. I manage to have enough energy at work, but I think after using every last drop of energy at work, I come home by 4 o'clock and I am just ready to collapse. Which I am so not used to at all--usually, I am like the energizer bunny, and I have an astronomical amount of well...bounciness and energy--I used to be able to wide awake at 1am, not too long along (like...last month) Now, I am asleep by 10. But I want to go to bed by 8pm. Maybe 11--depending what is on tv that night. Because no matter, how tired I am, I will not miss an episode of Heroes or The Office. And yes, there have been times where I just was holding myself awake, but I didn't want to sleep.

I think this weekend I want to just relax, and well...sleep...and do fun stuff. I need to start getting all my dolls into their "holiday clothes" and setting up scenes and fun things. I also need to do lesson plans. Which seems to be well..constant. Hopefully, we will see how long they take me to do tomorrow--I know, I should be doing them now...but I can't, because I am writing this. And I am hoping for way more energy tomorrow.

*shakes head* I need to take pictures of my Pam doll--I LOVE the new red sweater I got for her, she looks well more Pamish...then she ever did before. Especially with the earrings. I saw a unicorn necklace for her as well on ebay--so I do want to get that.

This past week, I started buying holiday gifts already--actually there were a bunch already bought in the closet of mine. And I know that...Hanukkah is more than a *checks calendar* a month away, I figure if I get one or two things each week, I should be set. I always save Rich for the end, because he is a lot harder to hide the gifts from then lets say...uh...people that don't live here...

I also made my holiday cookie making schedule as well. I think thinking of the holidays, just distracts me from things I should be doing--like...everything else! :o)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My Pam doll!

So, slowly but surely, I have been piece-mealing my doll together.

My project started last May. I decided my one doll, who just really sat on the shelf, gathering dust, had very close similarities to her. Only though...some things were off.

Here was the original doll:

And the real Pam Beesly:

Now obviously there were some easy differences--and things that were easily fixable. First off, the easiest was to find some "professional work clothes" and get rid of that stinkin' ranch outfit.

Well...that took awhile, and took time, in hiring doll sized seamstresses (I mean, people seamstresses that sew doll clothes, not that dolls or midgets are the seamstresses--well, you get the point)
In that time, and due to the help of many friends, my imagination and some money I managed to find (or acquire):
a gray skirt, a black skirt, brown pants, lavendar cardigan, bright white keds (from the Dundies episode), a white button down shirt, a pink peacoat, and blue button down shirt.

I have also managed to semi-replicate various outfits from different episodes:

I have the Casino Night Dress--the lavendar one, with lavendar shoes as well.

I have a similar outfit to the Beach Game Episode: jean capris, bathing suit, pink tank top, and a black zip up hoodie (it should be blue, but that is semantics)
I also have a cat costume from the Halloween Episode, with ears and everything.

I got a red turtleneck sweater and was able to create an outfit from the Beni-Hana Christmas episode.Italic
On the way to me I have some more button down striped shirts coming, and a jumper and shirt similar to the one that she wore at her art show during the Business School episode.

That was the easy part--just finding different outfits that I can recreate. The other things were a lot harder:
First of my original Nicki doll--had blue eyes. Pam has green/hazel eyes. Well, I do have one doll that matches the hazel eyes, so I sent them in for eye-swaps. Yep, I sent the dolls head in via the USPS to get their eyes changed at a doll hospital.

Done and done.
Then my Nicki had freckles and Pam does not. So, I spent an evening with my doll, q-tips, and non-acetone nail polish remover, and "de-freckled" her---yes, that is a professional term. I removed her freckles, and unfortunately removed some of the blush--so I do have to touch that up.

Another thing I noticed is that Nicki doesn't have earings, but Pam does. So, I did the only obvious thing to do--I got Pam's ears pierced--with little silver hoops.

Now, I am in the process of getting her a silver unicorn necklace--and I believe I found one. I have seen three different necklaces that she typically wears on the show--a unicorn, a dove and a butterfly. The unicorn is the easiest to duplicate.

I also plan on getting her a teapot--mostly because in Season 2, during The Christmas Party, Jim gives her a teapot. So, I have a doll sized teapot in mind, which I will be painting a seafoam green.

I have to say, my Pam doll is more a season 2 & season 3 Pam then Season 4 or 5 Pam--mostly because the outfits from then are just easier to recreate.

These are some updated pictures, minus the earrings. :o)


Okay, I don't usually get nightmares much anymore--I really, really don't. However, last night I had one--and it was terrible. I woke up shaking and sweating and couldn't fall back to sleep for about an hour or so.

The nightmare is kinda hazy. I remember it taking place in Chicago, why Chicago...I don't know, since I never have been there. I was staying at a hotel with two friends, who I couldn't identify. Anyway, we were a witness to a crime, and pretty much being hunting down through the whole dream. The killer was trying to track us down, and I kept on trying to call 911, however, I didn't know Chicago's area code--so they wouldn't put me there OR I would dial the wrong number and someone at the school would answer.

This happened about 5 times in the dream.

I finally managed to wake myself up when I got out of the hotel we were staying at--I had a feeling the man was able to find out where we were, and I was hurrying to my friends to get out, get out, get out. And I ran out, and they got lost from me.

Needless to say, I was shaking at 1:30 am. I was sweating. I grabbed my chilldhood stuffed Miss Piggy and hugged her, Rich and the cats, to calm me down. I thought happy thoughts. I turned on Nick at Nite, instead of the history channel. And eventually, eventually...

I drifted back to sleep. A dreamless sleep this time.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Art of Procrastination...

The Art of Procrastination...
By nature I am a procrastinator. I will do everything else that doesn't need to be done, before I actually get to the one thing that NEEDS to be done.
It started in my childhood years--I was very bright, and an early reader, however my report card was always filled with "time management" and "daydreams too much" kind of statements. My parents expected it, but were always unhappy just the same.
I remember leaving things to the very last minute, and then getting sick that day. Or something would come up. Or there would be an emergency...or something...just about everything would get in the way. And then I would get talked to which in parent language means "lectured" and I still never really learned.
I just got older. And my ways of procrastination seemed to be perfected to a science. To where, people may not even know that I am not doing work, because I just look like I am busy all the time. Unfortunately, I do everything except what I should be doing. Which is kind of a problem.
Two fine examples of my procrastination skills:
This past Sunday, I had to do lesson plans. I know I had to do lesson plans. I do them every week--so it is never a surprise that they needed to get done. They had to get done, and unfortunately I was the one that had to do it. I was also off on Thursday and Friday as well as the weekend--so theoretically, they could have gotten done on Thursday. They probably should have gotten done on Thursday, but unfortunately, on Thursday, I was busy doing everything else--but my lesson plans. So, Sunday I decide to start them for this coming week. I turned on my computer at 6pm. Opened Microsoft Office at 6:05, and didn't officially start my lesson plans until 10:15. That was 4 hours and 15 minutes, that I could have been doing work, but just well...chose not to. I was looking and doing everything else--'cept laundry, because I wouldn't even stoop that low. However, I talked to a few people on the phone, searched ebay, cleaned the cats litter, took a bath, send a few e-mails, wrote a few letters, complained about doing my lesson plans, posted on my blog, organized my socks, and decided to look for a t-shirt online. Seriously! Well, I need to head to bed by 11; so I figured at 10:15--I should attempt to start it. Well I did. The three lesson plans at I needed to write, took at most 40 minutes--when I was actually working. So, my lesson plans took 5 hours--however, only 40 minutes of "workable" time.
Case #2
This story happened in July. Rich and I got a safe deposit box, so while I was home for the summer, I was told very specifically to gather up our birth certificates, marriage licenses, and other various important documents. I knew where they were. I knew exactly where they were. In actually it should have taken me 5 minutes. Here is what happened in reality: I went down to the basement. Good intentions of actually doing it. Seriously! I had the best intentions in mind. Well, once I opened the storage room door--I realized that conveniently the file box that they were in, was also right next to the letter box and my photo box. (before I go on, you need to know an important characteristic of my personality is I save everything) I pulled out the letter box first and started to read. And read. I saved every letter and every card I have gotten since I was 10. (I also went to sleep away summer camps from 10-22, so there was a whole lot of letters in there.) I pulled out my graduation cards, birthday cards, the ghosts of memories coming back to me. I thought about people I haven't thought about in days, months, even well...years. Well then after reading all those letters, I had to look through my photo box. I pulled out photos, some were wrinkled and weather worn with age. Some looked brand-new. Some, I had a far away look in my eye and I was wondering what was bothering me then. Some I was with friends I haven't talked to in years. And then I found a book of photos. As, I was looking at these photos (now remember, at this time at least 2-3 hours have past) I remembered one of my best friends from high school. Periodically, I used to think about him every few months, but we lost touch for three years. It was completely not my fault. (And yes, I am able to say that with a complete straight face, and mean it too. But that is semantics) Anyway, I found a picture of us in high school; although I have to say he was in a bunch of pictures, but there was one of us in highschool, that just made me smile. Mostly because I remember the day vividly. Except for my wedding, I didn't see him for 9 years, and we were friends for 11 years. Anyway, I digress. So, after viewing these pictures, I decided to contact my old friends--lucky for me, they have the same e-mail address and screen names. (Or rather unlucky for me, because it just meant more time for me not to do work) I went back upstairs, my original project completely forgetten, and I went to talk to my old friends. Then, I decided since I was getting in touch with old friends that I haven't talked to you in years, I should make calls to the friends I do talk to regularly-especially since most of them were having a rough time then. Now, it is 4 and a half hours later. After catching up, and going swimming, I get back at 8pm, and remember what I was supposed to be doing 8 hours ago. I go downstairs to the basement again. I then had to clean up my original memory lane mess. And I find the documents I was looking for 8 and a half hours ago. As predicted, it took 5 minutes to find them--and 8 and a half hours to actually do it.
Yep. If there were medals for procrastination-I would have a gold medal. I have it down to a science.

Warm 'n fuzzy quotes Part 1

So, I did promise you some warm n' fuzzy quotes--these make me smile, feel happy, remind me of certain people in my life, or memories.

  • "You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting."~Tinkerbell
  • "What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies."~Aristotle
  • "Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering." ~Winnie the Pooh
  • "After all, a person is a person, no matter how small."~Horton
  • "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." ~Winnie the Pooh
  • "It's so much more friendly with two."~Winnie the Pooh
  • "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one."~C.S Lewis
  • "You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that."~E.B. White
  • "When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams."~Dr. Seuss
  • "We do not quit playing because we grow old, we grow old because we quit playing."~Oliver Holmes
  • "You know, dolls make the very best friends. Just because they can't speak doesn't mean they don't listen"~A Little Princess
  • "Magic has to be believed. That's the only way it's real."~A Little Princess

I do have tons more--they will eventually be posted in "Warm 'n Fuzzy Quotes: Part Two"

Things happen for a reason...

So, before I go to bed at night---I have hazy thoughts. I love this time. I am remembering of a quote from Tinkerbell that describes that time perfectly...

You know that place between sleep and awake? That place where you still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you.

Obviously, not exactly--but I still love that quote. It makes me feel warm 'n fuzzy inside. There are many other quotes like that, which unfortunately I will post after this one, so I won't get everyone to confused.

Anyway, I digress. There is a reason for everything, I believe that completely. Things that happened to you in the past--events that took place, as painful and as hard as it to go through then--it happened for a reason. Never, ever forget that. I know it is hard to wrap your mind around, when you are in the midst of that tough time-I get that. I really and truly do.

But people came into your life for a reason. People left your life for a reason. You may not know why or the reason behind it until the very end. The whole story may be left a mystery, but each person that you encounter, whether you like it or not...touches your life. For better or worse.

Certain events may bring a new friendship, or rekindle an old one. Or find someone that you can completely, and utterly trust.

Never, ever, ever give up.

Never lose faith.

Always remember that everything does happen for a reason.

Frustrated with myspace blog...

I have seriously had a blog for years---probably at least 6 or 7 years. I started off with livejournal--and then moved to myspace, because livejournal was being a pain in the ass in deleting some posts--refusing to let me edit, that sort of thing. So, I started on myspace, where it has been off and on for years; and now myspace some days will take me about two hours to post something, because I keep getting error messages.

So I decided to try this instead--however, I think for the time being I am going to try to duplicate the posts, for a couple of reasons.

First off, I know at least 3 active readers on myspace...the reason why I use the term "active" is because they do leave comments. I do know of more readers that do read, and just rarely leave comments--and that is fine too. But I think that if I moved it over here, I would have less people reading--because no one will really check it as often. Hence for the time being, I will try to double post it. However, if I keep on getting error messages--I will be using this exclusively.

Another thing, is here, I can't make them private at all. I liked that about myspace--that I could make it completely private some entries, plus I loved that they put the subject up there, just to drive people crazy--because it is SO me. However, that won't happen here--everything has to be public, or everything has to be private, which just sucks.

Another thing I am going to have to get used to is the emotions in myspace--they don't have them here. I don't use them often, but everyone once in awhile they are nice to have.

So, I will see how this works out.

My new address is this:


Hope to see everyone here....or there?

Monday, November 10, 2008

So...you want to be me???

It’s hard being me...*giggles*

I think very few people can tackle the Jordynish qualities that I exhibit. I have met a couple of people that come close.

It takes hard work, talent, and being an expert at procrastination..along with a dose of goofiness.

Requirements for being "me":
Having patience while reading books out loud.
Changing your voice or rather, "acting" when reading books out loud.
Being an expert at sending letters and care packages.
Loving to bake--but never eating what you bake, because they are never for you.
Being odd.
Enjoying making things--doll sized socks, toothbrush bracelets and Halloween costumes, just to name a few.
Writing constantly.
Dressing 30 dolls for various events/holidays and setting up scenes with them. Then photographing them to show off your hard work.
If you start a book, you can't fall asleep until you finish it.
Memorizing the movies "Ten Things I Hate About You," "Beauty and the Beast," and "When Harry Met Sally."
Being able to dissect and analyze Jim and Pam's relationship on The Office.
Having an odd affinity for numbers--especially birthdays, phone numbers, and addresses
Counting walking coffee cups with brown feet to fall asleep.
Getting excited over the little things in life.
Having an exorbitant amount of bounciness.
Eating spaghetti with ketchup and butter.
Writing and receiving e-mails.
Having a love of thingamajigs, Care Bears, and Gummy Bears.
Being the world's best procrastinator.

Also, if you decide you want to chance being me, you will have to set your eating habits by medicine. Seriously. Not joking. If I take my medicine at breakfast--without waiting 40-60 minutes until AFTER I am done eating, I get so shaky, I can't even hold a fork.

Hmmmm...what else...you would also have to love cats, zoos, aquariums, comfy cozy clothes, oddly patterned socks, grilled cheese sandwiches, Barnes and Nobles, coffee, the American Girl Store, the beach, stargazing, cuddling, diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper, ice-skating, Full House, Family Ties, The Cosby Show, movie theater popcorn with M&M's, The Muppets, Fraggle Rock, Children's books, Disney World, snowflakes, frogs, warm bubble baths, sappy movies (especially Holiday movies) and hot chocolate.

However, if you decide that you will be able to handle all that, you would then have to have a fear of (or a loathing dislike of): fire, roller-coasters, scary movies, and being robbed

You would need to have a semi-dislike of: chicken (except chicken nuggets, and fried chicken), steak, exercise ('cept ice-skating and swimming), mean people, selfish people, being criticized, laundry, cleaning the litter box, writing lesson plans, knowing when something is wrong and people won't tell you, and waking up in the morning before you are ready to get up.

So...you think that you may be able to pull me off???

Maybe. Maybe not.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun...

I hate keeping secrets...

But sometimes they are necessary.

Someone of the really, really big secrets--I won't say---I can't say--due to circumstances

I don't even feel comfortable writing them in a diary or something--because I am fearful someone will read it--which is a realistic fear, since it did get read in high school.

So right now...

I keep my secrets...

Close to my heart.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Why Bother?

Seriously--just why bother? 

When everyone else has a bad day-I am the person they go to. I am the person they talk to. I am the one that listens.

When I have a bad day--and want to talk.

It seems like no one wants to listen.

So why bother talking? Seriously. 

It just frustrates me.


Today, I don't know---I just wish I could erase. Wouldn't that be nice--to be able to erase a certain day or certain event, so that it never actually happened.

I don't know if it was the clouds that made me grumpy and sad. Or maybe it was me being grumpy that made the clouds appear--yah, like I have that much power.

I don't know--conversations from last night were still milling around in my head all day, which I know it did seem to affect me. I wish I could erase certain conversations last night--some piqued my curiosity, which is a bad thing--cause I am nosy. So of course, I wish that one didn't happen. Some made me sad. Some made me worry. Some made me question things that I may not be ready to question. Yes, all of those happened last night.

I wish there was a rock or a cave with my name in it--cause I would just escape there--escape from my worries. Escape from my grumpiness. Just escape. I am so looking forward to going away this weekend--I need a break. A serious break. Not a make believe break--a real one. And I am hoping to get that and refresh myeslf.

I need a mental vacation.

Sometimes--I feel like I just try so hard. I wonder things...

On top of all this, my last class of the day was atrocious. Apparently--something happened in class before, which all the first graders brought into my class--there was name calling, and fighting and just all around nastiness. I told them if they said anymore mean things about each other-I would go home and cry. They thought I was joking--but I really did feel like crying.

I need a hug. I need to escape. I need to go ice-skating. I need a friend. I need to be distracted. Apparently, I need a lot of things.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.


Today, I don't know---I just wish I could erase. Wouldn't that be nice--to be able to erase a certain day or certain event, so that it never actually happened.

I don't know if it was the clouds that made me grumpy and sad. Or maybe it was me being grumpy that made the clouds appear--yah, like I have that much power.

I don't know--conversations from last night were still milling around in my head all day, which I know it did seem to affect me. I wish I could erase certain conversations last night--some piqued my curiosity, which is a bad thing--cause I am nosy. So of course, I wish that one didn't happen. Some made me sad. Some made me worry. Some made me question things that I may not be ready to question. Yes, all of those happened last night.

I wish there was a rock or a cave with my name in it--cause I would just escape there--escape from my worries. Escape from my grumpiness. Just escape. I am so looking forward to going away this weekend--I need a break. A serious break. Not a make believe break--a real one. And I am hoping to get that and refresh myeslf.

I need a mental vacation.

Sometimes--I feel like I just try so hard. I wonder things...

On top of all this, my last class of the day was atrocious. Apparently--something happened in class before, which all the first graders brought into my class--there was name calling, and fighting and just all around nastiness. I told them if they said anymore mean things about each other-I would go home and cry. They thought I was joking--but I really did feel like crying.

I need a hug. I need to escape. I need to go ice-skating. I need a friend. I need to be distracted. Apparently, I need a lot of things.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.


If I was able to ask these questions I would:

First off, Why Me? Seriously...just why?

I don't like to have drama in my life. I like my life simple, less complicated, uneventful. I am a peaceful person. I don't like change. I don't like rocking the boat. I am perfectly getting up in the morning at the same time, eating breakfast (always a chocolate fudge poptart) at the same time, I check my e-mail at the same time. I get home at the same time. I like consistancy. Regularity.

I talk to the same people every day. I am not a shaker upper. I am just not. I am a calming presence most people say---people seem to instinctively trust me. I listen. I don't act.

I have the same 5 favorite shirts-that if I could I wear them all the time. I wear the same shoes every day-I have a brown pair and a black pair. (However, I do have a baby pink pair of sneakers)

I am boring I guess. I like vanilla ice cream. Maybe on rare occassions I'll get mint chocolate chip. I just don't deviate. I could eat the same thing for lunch for a year (and have!)

I don't handle change well. Well, certain change well. Moving I do fine with. College I do fine with. Things like that-I can handle, because I know wherever I go, I'll still be in contact with my best friends. And family. And I know that my lifestyle and routine won't change.

But other change I don't handle well. I certainly don't handle drama well. I would rather not know the answers to things, even though I know I am right--then actually get proven that I am right. I find security in the unknown. *shrugs*

And usually-I am an expert at avoiding things like that. I really am-I managed to dodge it for years--and I am great at that. But sometimes, drama and stuff like this, just manages to find me anyway-when I least expect it, when I am not ready for it.

And that just royally sucks.

Yes, to me, not knowing is the best way to handle things. If I don't know things-I wouldn't worry about my friends and family. I would live my life peacefully. My routine wouldn't be changed. So yeah, no more drama for me please. No more answers, no more questions...just well...nothing!

Master of Procrastination


I definitely win as master of procrastination. Why you ask?

Well...instead of doing my lesson plans for this three day week...

I decided to do something way more important.

I was sewing doll sized socks. If that isn't procastination, I don't know what is!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Why Does This Happen?

Seriously. I just feel worried and crummy right now. Today I got a few voicemails, some e-mails and various text messages-and they all sounded upset or said they were upset or crabby, but they didn't tell me why.

You can't do that to me. I have no problem with you leaving me a message or an e-mail if you are upset. I know I can help. I know I can make you smile...but don't tell me that something is wrong...and just leave everything out. And then, the worst, is I can't get in touch with them. So I call. I e-mail. I leave messages-and nothing works-and I know they are upset, but I feel helpless. Like there is nothing I can do. I can't help them. I can't fix them. I can't be a person to lean on. I just can't...because I have NO clue what is wrong.

It makes me so mad and sad. I hate this kinda of worry. The other kinds I can deal with-I can deal with worrying when I know what is wrong, because at least I have a place to fix it. I can deal with worrying when you pretend nothing is wrong, even though I sense something-because I will just second guess myself-even though I know I am right. I can deal with that.

This worrying? Not so much. I know I am sleeping pills-but I will be up all night, tossing and turning. Thinking. Writing. This worrying turns my stomach inside out, and makes me want to cry, and makes me helpless that I can't drive to them-and cheer them.

This kinda worrying just well...sucks.

So do me a favor?

If you are upset, or had a bad day, tell me. And tell me why. Don't say that you are upset or crummy, and then just leave it at that. I can handle you telling me. I promise. If you don't want to tell me why...then for goodness sake-don't tell me at all! (even though I will be able to tell that something is amiss...but that is a completely different story and rant.)

I need a hug.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Holiday Time


I officially started buying some gifts. My gift closet is overflowing. I bought for a few people already-and I refuse to tell who...because well...they read this :o) I also started buying for Toys for Tots. I buy for them for a few months, and then bring bag fulls to Toys R Us to drop off. So, I have few things for them...already ready and prepared.


There is a chill in the air, so I am so comfy cozy right now. It makes me happy. I can't wait for Halloween. Thanksgiving. The winter holidays. It is just the happiest time of the year!

Monday, October 20, 2008

My Bubble

This is to the tune of the '80s commercial: My Buddy.
If you need a refresher, this the commercial:

My Buddy Commerical

My bubble,
My bubble,
My bubble
My bubble,
Where I go, 
he goes
My bubble
My bubble
My bubble
My bubble and me


Today Was A Good Day

Today was a good day.

It was one of those days that I was just happy to be alive. Seriously. I had so much happiness in me, that I almost couldn't contain it. Did you ever feel like that? That your body wouldn't hold all your happiness…or am I just completely nuts?

It started when I woke up. I bounced out of bed. Did you ever do that? Just wake up and just bounce??? *smiles* Maybe it is just me. But I bounced out of bed. Then I decided that today would be a pink day…so I was pretty in pink. I had my pink socks on, my long sleeve pink shirt (with a short sleeve black shirt over it). I also wore my pink fleece. And my pink peacoat (which incidentally looks exactly like Pam's pink peacoat) But I digress. So I was ready to head to the city. And I had TONS of energy.

I was in the city. I went to my three favorite places in the world-American Girl, Barnes and Noble, and my new favorite: The NBC store. I didn't buy anything, because even though I wanted things, I just couldn't justify spending money. So I browsed.

I think what happened though is while I was window shopping-I had my IPOD on and all of the songs that were playing were my "happy" songs-the bouncy ones that I love. They make me smile on the outside and make me feel warm 'n fuzzy on the inside. I was listening to Gummy Bears, some Care Bears, That thing you do, Build me up buttercup, and Crazy for this girl.

I was just so happy today, and there wasn't any reason…


I was just happy because I was.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Think Positively


This week, I have been in such a funk. I hate that feeling, because usually I am not like that. And it bothers me. I think it is part because of just having lack of energy that I have.


So, five positive things that have happened to me today:
1. My classes were well behaved.
2. I had a yummy lunch-fried eggplant panini.
3. I am re-watching The Office
4. My not so well behave class, was very well behaved.
5. I got new Office stuff at Target today, along with a snazzy new shirt.


Friday, October 17, 2008

Holding On...



It seems like the more I try to hold on to things...


The more they seem to escape my grasp.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I Blame Karen Fillipelli for all That is Wrong With The World


I know that sounds ridiculous. Because it well 
is ridiculous. It reeks of ridicioulosity. Especially because I am blaming a fictional character for everything that is wrong with the world. *shakes head in disbelief at myself*

So, what do I blame her for? Well. first off I blame her for Season 3 of the Office. That is the major thing. And y'know, I wouldn't have thought of my dislike to her, until I started reminscing about season 3...and it started again. Thank you!

So besides the major season 3 fiasco, I blame her for...

...being exhausted today at work, and having the brilliant upon brilliant idea that I should wear heels. Yah. Not so fun after 7 hours of standing.

....for being grumpy this morning, because I knew I wouldn't have a second to myself today at work.

...for not having a second to myself for having two meetings and six classes all in a row.

...for wanting new kitchen appliances and just not being able to get them.

...for wanting the new sleigh and horse from American Girl and doubting that I am getting it for the holidays.

...for having my cat Lucky wake up at 6 in the morning crying, when I was SO not ready to get up.

...for having to get ready for work in the dark this morning, and thus putting my shirt on backwards, because I was getting ready for work in the dark.

I think that is it for today. Just letting you know, she was also to blame for me being sick a couple weeks ago, our air conditioning breaking over the summer, and just minor/major irritations that have happened to me on a daily basis.

On the flip side...I am pleased to note that Pam gets credited for everything that is right in the world.

Some of those examples that happened today are:

...getting my favorite french toast bagels at one of the meetings.

...my classes being amazing well behaved considering how tired I was.

...having a good meeting with my supervisor on my "performance review"

...eating lunch with my friend Karen (who is no relation or resemblemance to Karen Filippelli.

...going to Target and finding out they restocked up on the Office nifty gifties although I didn't buy anything.

...wearing my Care Bear socks.

...making a yummy dinner for myself.

Pam also gets credit for things that happened in the past. Those things are (but not limited too): going away for our anniversary, completing my Pam doll, reconnecting wtih old friends, making new friends, feeling warm 'n fuzzy on a daily basis, the Office being in Season 5, baking cookies and various other warm 'n fuzzy feelings and activities.

*giggles* Yah, I so don't have a life!


Falling in Love at the Coffee Shop


I was on my daily search on youtube for some some new Jim/Pam office videos. Sometimes, I think that I may have missed on, or I just rewatch my old favorites.

I don't want to post the link exactly, because I don't want curiosity seekers to go, since it does have bits and parts of season 4 in it. 

But the song that it was too just made me warm and fuzzy.

And because of that warm 'n fuzzy feeling, I decided to post the lyrics for your viewing pleasure. I like songs that make me feel warm and fuzzy.

Falling in Love (At a Coffee Shop) by Landon Pigg

I think that possibly
Maybe I'm falling for you
There's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I want to come too

I think that possibly
Maybe I'm falling for you

No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

I think that possibly
Maybe I'm falling for you
There's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you

I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine
Now I'm shining too

Because I've fallen quite hard over you

If I didn't know you I'd rather not know
If I couldn't have you I'd rather be alone

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

All of the while
All of the while it was you

*swoons* That song just made me melt, especially when you reference it to Jim and Pam's relationship.


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Very Excited

Well...it about a half an hour I start to head out to go to the American Girl Store. Can I tell you, I must not have slept a wink last night. I was up every hour, pretty much on the hour. I am sure that most of the reason was that I was by myself, and Rich wasn't here, sleeping next to me. Because it is rare that we are apart, maybe about 6 nights a year, if that....so I am so used to him being next to me, that I missed him. 

But I am sure that on the other hand, I was too excited to sleep. I finally got out of bed for good at about 6:30, three hours before I needed to be in the lobby to meet my friend and start our walk. I read a little, wrote a little, ran down to the local bagel place to get a bagel and coffee. (toasted poppy seed with cream cheese naturally) Showered, went online, revised my "want list" vs. "wish list." Debated about the snowboarding set vs. the baking set...and figured that why I am kidding myself, I'll probably get both! Read a little more. Went back to my wish list. And now I am here...9:05; twenty five minutes to go. 

My dreams were hazy last night. It was filled with worries. Worries about my friends mostly. Mostly worried about the ghosts and memories for the past. I know that doesn't sound completely well...normal. But it is true! While, I was dreaming, I have a vague impression of this song running through my head...

Dancing bears
Painted wings
Things I almost remember,
And a song someone sings
once upon a december

Someone holds me safe and warm,
horses prance through a silver storm,
Figures dancing gracefully,
across my memory,

(singing aaaaa with the melody)

Someone holds me safe and warm,
horses prance through a silver storm,
Figures dancing gracefully,
across my memory,

Far away, long ago
things I yearn to remember
and a song someone sings
Once upon a December

And a song someone sings
Once upon a December .. 

*sighs* I really do need to a find a way to protect my friends, from the ghosts and shadows of the past and their memories. 

Saturday, October 11, 2008

All Sorts of Dorkiness

So, on this wonderful, fantastic, lazy Friday afternoon, I had a revelation about my dorkiness. Now...I know, I have called myself a dork before. Hey, I even meant it when I said it. I get that! However, this dorkiness...tops any other dorkiness that may be existing.

"So, what happened?" you asked. "How is you being a dork tonight different then last night?"

Well...I will tell you.

Tomorrow I am starting my exciting journey up the city. I am going out to dinner wtih my friend on Saturday night, but the real reason why I am super excited about this trip, is what is happening on Sunday morning. I am going to the American Girl place for brunch/lunch which a bunch of friends. And nope, that isn't the dorky part. I am super excited about it (but also as excited about meeting my good friend for dinner on Sunday night). I decided to bring not one, but two dolls, to get their ears' pierced. *shakes head at myself* But that isn't the worst...

So, in the midst of me finalizing my plans, I decided I needed to pack. I pulled out a suitcase from the closet, and started packing. I pretty much brought all my favorites, my purple sweater that I love, my new Fancy New Beesly shirt, my favorite pair of worn jeans, my favorite socks, comfy cozy pjs, you get the point. In my wisdom, I decided to give the suitcase to my parents to drop off. You see, they are going to be in NYC for a night before they head to Vermont. I figured, if they were able to drop off the suitcase, it would be one less thing to carry from the bus to the apartment.

Sounds like a plan. A good plan. However...and here is where my dorkiness comes in. I didn't pack my two dolls in the suitcase. The reason for that being is, incase my parents forgot to drop off my suitcase in NYC and took it up to Vermont, I would still have my dolls with me. However, I would not have my clothes.But in my infinite wisdom, I decided that I would rather have my dolls with me to join me for brunch/lunch on Sunday then have to either go out and buy new clothes or wear old clothes for a few days. Makes perfect sense?

So, my parents *crossing fingers* are hopefully dropping off my suitcase before they head to Vermont. And I am packing a carry on for the bus. In the bag will have two dolls, a doll hairbrush, pjs for them, my computer, a book for me, and Rich's IPOD. I will say a little prayer to make sure my clothes will get to NYC...but if they don't.


...At least I have my dolls!

Monday, October 6, 2008


So, my New Years Resolution is to be more honest.

I was thinking this before I go to work tomorrow. Typically when people ask me how I am, I always give the non-commital answer "fine."-it is what people WANT to hear, and it doesn't involve other questions. Well, I have decided that I will be more honest with my feelings and how I feel.

Who knows if I will be successful. But I will try.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Part Two: How to Make a Toothbrush Bracelet

This is number two in my How to Part Series. Typically these are how to things that are pretty much useless to everyone in the public, but well me.

However, they do make for interesting topics.

First off, you need to gather supplies:

You will need: tweezers, a plastic toothbrush, Friends or Dawson's Creek on DVD (which ever is readily available--I only had Friends on DVD, so I chose Season 3-one of the better seasons)

Next, put Friends (or Dawson's Creek on the TV) Since Rich was using the "real tv" I had to make do, with my computer. 

While you are watching Friends, you pull the bristles out of the toothbrush with either your teeth or tweezers. For safety reasons, use tweezers. However, in really tough to remove bristles, I have used my teeth. I am in no way responsible for any chipped or hurt teeth, if you decide to use your teeth.

When you are done, you should have a pile of bristles and a bristle-toothbrush.

Boil water on the stove. Do not mind my messy stove. A clean stove is ideal-especially if you are photographing your creation.

When the water is boiling, place the toothbrush in the pot. Be careful--the toothbrush will be extremely hot when you take it out. Every few seconds, take the toothbrush out and bend it until it makes a circle. It takes me about 10 tries to get it the way I want it. The nice thing is if you don't like it, you can dip and mold it again.

Completed toothbrush bracelet. Give yourself a pat on the back! And wear it with pride!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Fall is Here

So one of the schools I work at had its first ever Harvest Festival.


I have to say it was a lot of fun-there was pumpkin picking, baked goods, races, photos, face painting, crafts and story hour.

I worked the story hour booth and I actually had an attentive audience ;o) I did two reading times; and about 8-15 kids sat for each. Along with the parents. Sometimes I wish other people, besides well...kids would hear me read. Because I am a fun reader! Seriously, I am.

I read The Little Old Lady that Wasn't Afraid of Anything; which is such a fun book, along with Too Many Pumpkins. However, now I am home, and I have tons of energy!

*smiles happily*




I wish I had a crystal ball and could see what my future holds. And see how everything ends up.


I know...not possible.


But still...it would be nice.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

First Holiday Gift

*Winks* Okay, I know I plan in advance for getting holiday gifts. I accept that. I think part of that is due to some years Hanukkah was just so early, that I had to shop early. Now...I just like thinking about getting the perfect gift.

I always wonder who will get the first gift of the season. I already have three people set for now (psssssst...I won't mention who is set, because two of them are on myspace). I just have to go out and buy the gifts! Typically, Rich's gifts I buy later-mostly because I learned from experience that if I buy them, he either finds them or ends up buying himself the same thing that I bought before the hollidays. So, I know. I wait until late November-December for his gifts. But others...that I don't have to worry about finding them. Or buying what I want to buy them-those are easy.

So, who will get the first gift of the holiday this year?


*humms holiday songs*

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Okay, for some reason I just feel so incredibly happy today! It is almost like I am so full of happiness, that my heart just can't contain it all. I feel like I am going to explode. Or burst. And the funny thing is...I don't know why, it isn't like today was out of the ordinary or anything. Nothing special happened. I am getting a cold, I didn't have my morning coffee, but yet, I am still so happy!.

*bounces* Seriously! Sometimes, I wish other people would be able to feel the amount of happiness I have inside me. I know I am unique that sometimes people can't feel happiness the way I do. I know they may not see it in the little things, or let having a cold stop them. But  not me. 

Things make me happy. People make me happy. Memories make me happy. Conversations make me happy. 

Just today I found happiness in:
1. My observation-my supervisor said it was a great way to start the day. So it must be good.
2. Realizing that the leaves are starting to change color.
3. Have well behaved classes (yes, there were NO books thrown at me today)
4. Wearing my purple sweater with my purple necklace and purple socks. I am literally, the purple people eater.
5. A conversation with a co-worker. 
6. Bouncy music when I turned on my IPOD.
7. Given a lollipop by a kid. 
8. Rich wishing me luck on my observation and telling me that he loved me this morning.
9. Going to my family for dinner tonight to celebrate Rosh Hashanah.
10. Eating yummy food.
11. Seeing my cousins and all my relatives.
12. Not working tomorrow or Wednesday because of the Jewish Holidays.
13. My cat snuggling up on my lap while I am typing this. 
14. Realizing that I could have a chocolate fudge poptart for breakfast (I had to change my breakfast the last few days-since we ran out.
15. Heroes is on tonight.

Seriously, nothing can bring me down today. And those things make smile and laugh and feel warm 'n fuzzy inside-despite being congested, having about 4 hours of sleep the night before and no coffee. (And no...I am not on cold medicine either!) I am just naturally bouncy today!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Evolution of the Half-Truths

People that know me know that I am an expert at misdirection and half truths. Lately, it has made me sad, that no one really actually knows me...they only know what I tell them. And some of good friends have commented on it-so it is not like people haven't noticed it. They have said that I constantly surprise them, or that they really don't know me as well as they thought they did. And that realization makes me sad...and lonely.

I tried to figure out when it started to happen. When the misdirection and half truths started…and I have to say, I blame the summers.

*laughs* I know that sounds ridiculous. But it is true. I went away every summer since I was 10. Sometimes for 4 weeks. Sometimes for 9 weeks. Up until I was 21. The summers were my time to escape. Now, I know that when I was 10 or 11, I didn't necessarily think that. But I wasn't so eerily off. I refused to go away for a summer with a friend from home. I wanted to start fresh. Where no one knew me. (Although when I was 10, I did go away with my best friend Marisa-my parents insisted on it) But after that year, it was always me. By myself. And I treasured the summers. I lived for the summers.

All my life, everyone was overprotective of me. My parents. My relatives. My friends. I just needed to go and be me. And tell people what they needed to know, and nothing more than that. I needed a chance to be me. With no preconceived notions on how to act. Or how I was supposed to be. I remember the summer I was 12, I was going into seventh grade, I was at camp for 8 weeks-and was fighting with my friends and just was sad…and I refused to tell people. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to prove my strength. I wasn't a quitter. I needed to be strong. For myself.

Except for that summer, I fell in love with the summers. I loved not having people know everything about me. That people wouldn't judge me. And if they did…after 4 weeks or 8 weeks, who knew if I would still be friends with them. My parents were always amazed that the fact that I was so shy, but I had no problem leaving home.

And then high school hit. I went to a new school; where again, very few people knew me from elem. school, or middle school. I was everyone's good friend.  The person they cried too after their heart was broken. The one that listened to all of their girl problems (or boy problems…but since my friends were guys…it was typical girl problems).  I was the one they trusted. I became friends with everyone, including people that most people wouldn't have been friends with-I believed in the good in everyone.  I held all their secrets. But yet, I didn't know how to ask for help when I needed it. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I just didn't know how. I wasn't a crier. But it was more than that. Many people that I was friends with in high school, believed that I was perfect. That nothing bothered me. And maybe it was my fault for casting that illusion about me. (And even though I know I was far from perfect)…they didn't want me to have problems. They couldn't stand to see me upset. It hurt them and worried them too much. And I couldn't stand having people worry more about me. So, I learned to tuck it deep inside. If I did cry…I never called someone up on the phone. I never cried to someone. If I got upset, I held it in.

Then college hit. I remember before I left for my freshman year at school, I realized that I was going to a college where no one knew me. No one would know my past. I could have people be left in the dark about certain things. It was like the summers all over ago-only not 4 weeks. Or 8 weeks. But four years. I was estatic when I realized that. Even though at that point, I became a master of half truths and hiding, that was when I realized my ability to successfully misdirect. For example, sophomore year in college, during winter break, I was in the hospital. I did tell two people at school, but no one else, no one in my close group of 4 friends. I remember being in the hospital, and calling my friends from college (because my mom told me that they were calling me at home), and pretended that I wasn't in the hospital-I was at home, having a grand old time. I made up stories of what I did. Where I went. Anything to prove that I wasn't in the hospital. Who does that? Seriously!

So now, my realizations are making sad. I have been running from the truth and refusing to ask for help for so long, that people only see what I want them to see…nothing more. Nothing less. And that makes me feel sad. Because if I do need help, I don't know how to ask. People only see what I show them, and sometimes I think that if I come clean, with myself, with everyone, I'll be hurt. Or make people sad. Or shock people. Or surprise them.

So, right now, even though it isn't always the safest place, I take comfort in my bubble. I made it myself. It protects me. Keeps me safe. Lets people see what I want, instead of seeing what they should see.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

I Lost My Bounce

*sighs* I just feel so crummy.


I don't know if it is the rainy/dreary day....but usually that doesn't affect my mood or energy.


Maybe it is that I got in a power struggle with a first grader. The end result was that I got a book thrown at me. *sighs* Of course, what my students don't realize is that things like that-don't work and I can be just as stubborn as they.


Or, because I used so many voices when reading today-my throat is sore.


I am just in a funk. And I hate it! Because that is so not me. I want my energy back. And my bounce back. Maybe I used up all my bounciest last night.

Not even me being decked out in purple today helped-down to the purple matching socks and my purple necklace and purse. (Which naturally...matched my purple sweater)

I just need a hug.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Slight OCD'ness and Writing

I love to write. Writing and ice-skating are probably what relaxes me more than just about anything in the world. Well...that and when I need a laugh I have some favorite tv shows/movies. But for the most part...if I am stressed out or on the verge of tears or frustrated-I have always turned to writing and ice-skating.

But me being me. I write things three times typically. Once I  write  what the real story is. What really happened. What I really felt. That is for my eyes only. I don't want anyone getting hurt by me or anything I feel...so I have to keep it somewhere, so I write it down. Padlocked safe the works. 

Then I write the slightly doctored up version for some select people to see here. I may include a few clips from my real feelings...but usually it is the second version so the hurt and the pain may be out of it. You may still be able to sense or get a slight glimpse of my feelings, but that is only if you are really observant. And then you times my slightly doctored up version by 10 and that is how I really feel.

And then the version that everyone gets to read. This version may be so far removed from what the original is. I never use names in the version, sinceeveryone may have a chance to read it. There has been only one time in the past, where I was mad and frustrated and hurt that I did use someone's name, in belief that they would never in a million years see it. (Well...a million years came pretty fast) This one since is so far removed, may only show slight glimpses of how I really-and you can only glean them for previous conversations that we may have had. But if you had no clue about the conversations, then you probably don't know the depth of the writing.

So three times. One for me. One for some people and one for everyone else. *laughs* If everyone saw every version, people would be able to fit all the pieces together and really start to see me, for me.

Instead of what I let them see.