Tuesday, September 30, 2008
*bounces* Seriously! Sometimes, I wish other people would be able to feel the amount of happiness I have inside me. I know I am unique that sometimes people can't feel happiness the way I do. I know they may not see it in the little things, or let having a cold stop them. But not me.
Things make me happy. People make me happy. Memories make me happy. Conversations make me happy.
Just today I found happiness in:
1. My observation-my supervisor said it was a great way to start the day. So it must be good.
2. Realizing that the leaves are starting to change color.
3. Have well behaved classes (yes, there were NO books thrown at me today)
4. Wearing my purple sweater with my purple necklace and purple socks. I am literally, the purple people eater.
5. A conversation with a co-worker.
6. Bouncy music when I turned on my IPOD.
7. Given a lollipop by a kid.
8. Rich wishing me luck on my observation and telling me that he loved me this morning.
9. Going to my family for dinner tonight to celebrate Rosh Hashanah.
10. Eating yummy food.
11. Seeing my cousins and all my relatives.
12. Not working tomorrow or Wednesday because of the Jewish Holidays.
13. My cat snuggling up on my lap while I am typing this.
14. Realizing that I could have a chocolate fudge poptart for breakfast (I had to change my breakfast the last few days-since we ran out.
15. Heroes is on tonight.
Seriously, nothing can bring me down today. And those things make smile and laugh and feel warm 'n fuzzy inside-despite being congested, having about 4 hours of sleep the night before and no coffee. (And no...I am not on cold medicine either!) I am just naturally bouncy today!
Monday, September 29, 2008
People that know me know that I am an expert at misdirection and half truths. Lately, it has made me sad, that no one really actually knows me...they only know what I tell them. And some of good friends have commented on it-so it is not like people haven't noticed it. They have said that I constantly surprise them, or that they really don't know me as well as they thought they did. And that realization makes me sad...and lonely.
I tried to figure out when it started to happen. When the misdirection and half truths started…and I have to say, I blame the summers.
*laughs* I know that sounds ridiculous. But it is true. I went away every summer since I was 10. Sometimes for 4 weeks. Sometimes for 9 weeks. Up until I was 21. The summers were my time to escape. Now, I know that when I was 10 or 11, I didn't necessarily think that. But I wasn't so eerily off. I refused to go away for a summer with a friend from home. I wanted to start fresh. Where no one knew me. (Although when I was 10, I did go away with my best friend Marisa-my parents insisted on it) But after that year, it was always me. By myself. And I treasured the summers. I lived for the summers.
All my life, everyone was overprotective of me. My parents. My relatives. My friends. I just needed to go and be me. And tell people what they needed to know, and nothing more than that. I needed a chance to be me. With no preconceived notions on how to act. Or how I was supposed to be. I remember the summer I was 12, I was going into seventh grade, I was at camp for 8 weeks-and was fighting with my friends and just was sad…and I refused to tell people. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to prove my strength. I wasn't a quitter. I needed to be strong. For myself.
Except for that summer, I fell in love with the summers. I loved not having people know everything about me. That people wouldn't judge me. And if they did…after 4 weeks or 8 weeks, who knew if I would still be friends with them. My parents were always amazed that the fact that I was so shy, but I had no problem leaving home.
And then high school hit. I went to a new school; where again, very few people knew me from elem. school, or middle school. I was everyone's good friend. The person they cried too after their heart was broken. The one that listened to all of their girl problems (or boy problems…but since my friends were guys…it was typical girl problems). I was the one they trusted. I became friends with everyone, including people that most people wouldn't have been friends with-I believed in the good in everyone. I held all their secrets. But yet, I didn't know how to ask for help when I needed it. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I just didn't know how. I wasn't a crier. But it was more than that. Many people that I was friends with in high school, believed that I was perfect. That nothing bothered me. And maybe it was my fault for casting that illusion about me. (And even though I know I was far from perfect)…they didn't want me to have problems. They couldn't stand to see me upset. It hurt them and worried them too much. And I couldn't stand having people worry more about me. So, I learned to tuck it deep inside. If I did cry…I never called someone up on the phone. I never cried to someone. If I got upset, I held it in.
Then college hit. I remember before I left for my freshman year at school, I realized that I was going to a college where no one knew me. No one would know my past. I could have people be left in the dark about certain things. It was like the summers all over ago-only not 4 weeks. Or 8 weeks. But four years. I was estatic when I realized that. Even though at that point, I became a master of half truths and hiding, that was when I realized my ability to successfully misdirect. For example, sophomore year in college, during winter break, I was in the hospital. I did tell two people at school, but no one else, no one in my close group of 4 friends. I remember being in the hospital, and calling my friends from college (because my mom told me that they were calling me at home), and pretended that I wasn't in the hospital-I was at home, having a grand old time. I made up stories of what I did. Where I went. Anything to prove that I wasn't in the hospital. Who does that? Seriously!
So now, my realizations are making sad. I have been running from the truth and refusing to ask for help for so long, that people only see what I want them to see…nothing more. Nothing less. And that makes me feel sad. Because if I do need help, I don't know how to ask. People only see what I show them, and sometimes I think that if I come clean, with myself, with everyone, I'll be hurt. Or make people sad. Or shock people. Or surprise them.
So, right now, even though it isn't always the safest place, I take comfort in my bubble. I made it myself. It protects me. Keeps me safe. Lets people see what I want, instead of seeing what they should see.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
*sighs* I just feel so crummy.
I don't know if it is the rainy/dreary day....but usually that doesn't affect my mood or energy.
Maybe it is that I got in a power struggle with a first grader. The end result was that I got a book thrown at me. *sighs* Of course, what my students don't realize is that things like that-don't work and I can be just as stubborn as they.
Or, because I used so many voices when reading today-my throat is sore.
I am just in a funk. And I hate it! Because that is so not me. I want my energy back. And my bounce back. Maybe I used up all my bounciest last night.
Not even me being decked out in purple today helped-down to the purple matching socks and my purple necklace and purse. (Which naturally...matched my purple sweater)
I just need a hug.
Friday, September 26, 2008
But me being me. I write things three times typically. Once I write what the real story is. What really happened. What I really felt. That is for my eyes only. I don't want anyone getting hurt by me or anything I feel...so I have to keep it somewhere, so I write it down. Padlocked safe the works.
Then I write the slightly doctored up version for some select people to see here. I may include a few clips from my real feelings...but usually it is the second version so the hurt and the pain may be out of it. You may still be able to sense or get a slight glimpse of my feelings, but that is only if you are really observant. And then you times my slightly doctored up version by 10 and that is how I really feel.
And then the version that everyone gets to read. This version may be so far removed from what the original is. I never use names in the version, sinceeveryone may have a chance to read it. There has been only one time in the past, where I was mad and frustrated and hurt that I did use someone's name, in belief that they would never in a million years see it. (Well...a million years came pretty fast) This one since is so far removed, may only show slight glimpses of how I really-and you can only glean them for previous conversations that we may have had. But if you had no clue about the conversations, then you probably don't know the depth of the writing.
So three times. One for me. One for some people and one for everyone else. *laughs* If everyone saw every version, people would be able to fit all the pieces together and really start to see me, for me.
Instead of what I let them see.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Things that you want to know the answer too...
But are terrified to know the real answer...
Not the one that you sugarcoat for others...
I don't ask questions. By nature I don't. I ask "safe questions" if that-and don't get me wrong...it isn't like I am not inquisitive or nosy or anything like that...I definitely am. But I just don't want to be right.
Now, I know in your mind, people aren't always right. And that may be true...however wtih me, I am right the majority of the time, if not all the time, with my intuition and feelings...and I hate being right. I feel safer being wrong then being right. Because if I am wrong, then nothing changes. Everything stays the same...but if the answers that I get are the answers I suspect...then I really don't want to know.
I like my bubble. It is pretty and purplish pink. Like Cinderella's bubbles in the movie. It is iridescent and safe and protects me. And the best thing about my bubble...is it NEVER EVER pops. Not ever. I superglued my bubble together-so I don't have to worry about it popping or things being shaken up..And things will always stay the same.
Did I mention I don't like change? I really don't. Rich saw it in the simple matter of buying new sheets/comforter for the bed-the old ones were SO comfy cozy. I don't like material change or emotional change. I never had a problem leaving home or going away, that never bothered me, because I adapt in those situations...but the others not so much. I know I could if I had to, but I don't want to.
So I still have some same pajama t-shirts from high school. I have my fuzzy froggie slippers from college. I even have my Miss Piggy and Miss Piggy mirror around too. I kept a hold of my favorite book from childhood. The more things change around me, the more I want to secure them together and make sure they stay the same.
Honestly...I don't think I would ever be ready for earth shattering change. I like slow...gradual...baby steps. Like going swimming in a pool-I am not one to dive in. I just go in with my little pinky toe and see if the water is too cold (usually it IS) and then after my toe gets warm, I go into my ankles...you get the point.
And that is why I don't like asking questions...I may need to know the answers. I probably SHOULD know the answers. But I don't want to know the answers. I like my little iridescent bubble that I constricted for myself so many years ago.
Now, if people ask me questions-I may answer them. But truthfully, I'll probably answer them mentally. Unless I am asked those questions in person and on the spot, I'll probably hedge and misdirect until I figured out the "safest" answer to give...which may not always be the most honest one. However, the curiosity in me still wants to know what will be asked. Although thtat isn't fair at all...because most likely, I won't give them answer. And I won't allow the questions to be asked to me in person, so I don't want me to be on the spot.
*shrugs* But now...seriously...the only question I need to be asking and answering is...how will I function on 5 hours of sleep.
To bed I said.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Well...over the weekend I got two new dolls. One already has a name Annie James; twin of Hallie Parker. But the other one is nameless. Someone suggested Anna...which I admit, she DOES look like an Anna-however, I do have a newly acquired Annie, so I am hoping for something a little bit different.
The names that I already have used in dolls are: Lydia Shaye, Kelsey Anna, Caroline Leah, Savannah Aileen, Olivia Beth, Klara Elizabeth, Noelle Starr, Emma Brighton, Sophie Emerson, Kayleigh Rose, Erin Kelley, Madeline Rae, Pamela Morgan, Gena Hiroko, Hallie and Annie.
Unfortunately...not to many choices. So what do you think she looks like? I will post better pictures tomorrow when it is cooler...right now it is WAY too hot.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Unfortunately...it doesn't work like that. And the worst is when I can tell that something is wrong...someone isn't happy, and I try to say the right thing at the right time but *shrugs* but I feel like I should be doing more and that is what gets me. And I probably do more than most people, but it still isn't enough. I care too deeply, too much, and when I can't fix things, it bothers me. The worst is I can tell fake happiness from real happiness-just by looking in someone's eye. Sometimes not even then. Sometimes, I could be an hour or two away from someone-haven't seen them in weeks, months or even years, and just know. I don't know how I know-I just do. And I don't know what is on their mind or can predict the future-so don't bother asking. I just know when someone is sad.
Unfortunately, its not a talent or gift that I flaunt. Most people think its nuts (the ones that I do tell...) or that I am slightly crazy (not in a good way crazy) or it scares people. I had a lot of friends get scared because they spent days, weeks, months protecting themselves, hiding inward, and one person just comes along and sees right past that. And it scary. Trust me, I have felt that before. So, I know how it feels-and sometimes I wanted to run away or hide under a rock. And it is a scary feeling.
The problem is once I see that you block me, it is almost easier for me. I know it probably doesn't make much sense at all. And sometimes when I write it, it actually makes less sense to me-and sounds ridiculous and I am sure you are disbelieving. Or at least some of you out there are disbelieving. And that is fine with me. But I still know. And don't even try to use "misdirection" or "hiding your eyes"-doesn't matter-I can still tell.
But right now...I wish I could do more. I know kind words can go a long way, and touch someone in their heart-but I just feel like it is not enough. *contemplates what else I can do*
Friday, September 5, 2008
Okay, I love work. I was super excited to go back to work. And one of the biggest reasons (besides the love of my job and all, besides the kids) is that I get to be in a room that is air conditioned. Which is great, because our AC hasn't worked since early July! Well today, I was working and the ac broke at work and it is hot out! So, I worked all day in a non-ac place. And then came home to a non-ac'd house...and well now, I am so incredibly hot and sticky and feel yucky and crabby. *sighs*
On the plus side, American girl came out with new items today. Now, I know that I am fairly easy to buy for-but in case if anyone is ever stuck, and it is the holidays, or my birthday or just because I am crabby and need a cheering up gift.
Type in my name or this number: 14795021
And select something for me :) It is really, really quite easy. Sentimentally, I love the dolls; because then I remember who actually GAVE it to me...but I accept all sorts of gifts. And if you can't decide you can go here:
And get me a handy, dandy gift certificate. And you can all do it in a hot pop tart second online too. :o)
So what are you waiting for...
Pssst....it would be nice to get a cheering up gift today due to the heat. *smiles*
Maybe some nice winter clothes, so I can look forward to the winter-the snowboarding set is ADORABLE. Or a nice baking set...because you know that I love to bake, and thus my dolls love to bake.
Here is a picture of my dolls baking from a year ago-unfortunately, they did not have the handy dandy baking set-which would have made their baking far superior then that day.
So you see...I need the new baking set :)
And the boots. They are pink...too boot!.
Pssst...and you know the gold care bear is always nice too.