Friday, September 4, 2009

I know I haven't really been writing much, and it isn't that I don't want to write, it is more that I can't.

Sometimes, I get too private for my own good. I think I get nervous at the possibility of someone reading something that I write, which truthfully is ridiculously silly because it is public. So, I sugarcoat things, or skate around them, or just plain avoid them.

Unfortunately, I am a master of avoiding things. Truthfully, I hate confrontations, and I hate getting upset, so I try to avoid the situation by ignoring a person or just an event or something. I know that isn't a good quality to have. I know that I should be able to talk to people, especially close friends when they are hurting me, but I just can't. In an odd way, and I was thinking about this today, it is like I don't want to hurt them. Because I think if they felt that I was upset or bothered or just felt ignored, they would feel bad. And well, I don't like them feeling bad. So, I feel bad secretly. Uh, yeah.

And really, I don't want to have a long drawn out conversation about how I shouldn't feel sad or whatever, because it is just me, overanalyizing and people have been really busy and well...yadda...yadda...yadda. But at the same time, I know there is truth in what I see--and I really don't want to be convinced it is all in my imagination, and nothing is up. And perhaps that may be partly true, but at the same time, I would just like to avoid that "conversation" so I go back to hiding, because it is safer in some ways.

I guess I just well...give up. For good. And it pains me to say, because I feel like I am reliving the past and what happened a few years ago, but well, I am seriously not a giving up type of person. Really not. Just that there are only so many times that I can try to talk to someone, or even try to make plans. I'll be here when they want to talk, but maybe they just need to figure stuff out. Or maybe they are just really busy and I am being completely oversensitive. I doubt it though.

I miss my best friend.

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